Reasons why having a small child is a lot like living through a Zombie Apocalypse: Part 1.

As you may have gathered I’m a big fan of zombies…

This obsession started in October 2014 when I was brainstorming ideas for NaNoWriMo. I was on a school trip and I wanted to write about something familiar. It occurred to me that a zombie apocalypse is basically the ultimate worst case scenario for a school trip.

I still haven’t finished that novel but my love of zombies has continued to grow. I suppose it’s because they are the ultimate enemy. They do not need sleep or shelter or vast supply trains. They don’t ever stop. And worst of all every kill swells their ranks.

I digress. Back to reasons why you might feel like you’re living through the apocalypse if you have a small human:

1. So much bodily fluid. As we all know you can’t have a zombie apocalypse without tons of bodily fluid. It’s the same with a small human. Pee, poop, snot, vomit, tears, saliva… you get covered in them at various points and just like during the apocalypse you’ll eventually stop noticing and leave the house with vomit on your jeans. Tears. From you, from Dad, from small human. Not because the world has ended and everyone you love is a face munching zombie but because you spilled the expressed milk. Or because small human has been sick for the millionth time and the sofa is definitely ruined. Or because the cat AND the small human have diarrhoea.
2. No social life. This is an inevitable consequence of both the zombie apocalypse and having a small human. However, it’s not that no one is making movies anymore, or that nightclubs are now full of the scantily clad living dead. Either you’re too tired to go out, or you can’t go out because you have no one you trust to leave the small human with. Or the small human simply won’t let you leave.
3. Fear of going outside. Not because of the undead stalking your every move. No. Initially because it’s simply so hard to leave the house at a particular time when the small humans are fresh. There’s always one more poo to deal with, or milk to get ready or something else that needs to go in the change bag. Then there’s the fear of breast feeding in public. Or worrying about going to a baby group full of strangers on top of everything else. Later there’s the tantrums and the refusal to put on shoes.
4. Tantrums. There’s always someone who completely loses their shit during the apocalypse. This is the same on a daily basis with toddlers. Perhaps you wouldn’t let them watch Room on the Broom twice in a row. Or today they really HATE grapes. Or they’re just finally tired of the relentless struggle to stay alive amidst all this blood and misery.
5. All the Panic. You forgot to check the exits. You’re out of bullets. You’re surrounded. The small human has a new rash. You think they just ate some cat food. You realise the stairgate isn’t shut. You only did up one half of the buggy straps. You’ve been bitten. It’s all the same really.

 

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